So, hi! How the heck are ya? Eh? What’s that you say? You’re planning a trip to China? That’s awesome!

Oh, you’re a Newbie, too?! That’s even better!

(Who the hell am I talking to? I think I’m the only real Newbie around here. The rest of you just come here to laugh at me. Laugh, I say!!!)

But, listen, I just came back from my trip and I’ve got a list of the lessons you absolutely MUST know. Contained herein are the words and phrases I actually used on my trip. And yes, I’ll be honest… while in Shanghai, I spoke maybe 20 sentences in Chinese, all of them at the hotel and in the cab. But they were important phrases!

More importantly, it was in Beijing, after my friend and tour guide fell ill and I was seduced and abandoned that I found what really worked in real life situations. Because where I was staying in Beijing had been chosen because of it proximity to her, and not to the touristy ancient sites that we’d be visiting, when she got sick, I spent the last few days wandering around a city where every attempt at English was met with a blank stare or outright laughter. (Laughter, I say!!!)

So, there I was. In Beijing. Without support. Without so much as a pocket dictionary. What did I do? I got by. I really did. Here’s the stuff I used over and over and over again:

菜鸟91 I Like Beef
菜鸟86 How Are You?
菜鸟93 Where’s The Bathroom?
菜鸟16 Numbers
菜鸟98 May I Take a Photo?
菜鸟102 How do you say…?
菜鸟104 What is this called?
菜鸟105 Too Expensive! (SO IMPORTANT!)
菜鸟116 I’m hungry!
菜鸟133 Please Speak Slowly
菜鸟119 Business Cards
菜鸟122 I’m cold! (Need this one a LOT while I was up on the Great Wall.)
菜鸟138 I’m Really Full
菜鸟145 Noodles without Cilantro
初级61 Encouraging Words
初级78 Dealing With Praise
菜鸟133 Please Speak Slowly

You’ll notice that there’s only a couple of Elementary lessons there. That’s because I’m a firm believer of the Mr. Miyagi school of learning Chinese. (You people have seen the Karate Kid, right? Right?! Sand the floor? Paint the fence? Work with me, people!)

No, seriously.

When I was learning kung fu, we started off with a simple kata that showed us the ten basic punches, and another exercise that showed us the eight basic blocks. Eighteen moves altogether. That’s it. But if you practiced those moves until you didn’t have to think about them anymore, to the point when they became innate, then you really had a pretty reasonable chance at defending yourself if push came to shove.

The lessons above are just like that. If you can learn how to say hello, express discomfort, hunger, find a bathroom, ask permission to do something, get directions, and most importantly, to ask how to ask something, then you’re really in pretty good shape.

There were a couple of other phrases I picked up along the way, but I’ll let you discover those on your own. For my last few days in Beijing, I didn’t speak a single word in English. I’m sure I didn’t always get my syntax right, but I was understood.

It’s a start.