Now and then they come up with a clever subject line, those spammers. I go through a daily surge of amusement and annoyance at the hundreds of spam e-mails that flood my inbox, but they change the subject line so frequently that creating a custom spam filter does me almost no good. So, like I said, they fool me now and then and I end up clicking on the e-mail because it looks like a legitimate message.
The one that got me the other day was innocuous enough. Something along the lines of “I read your book, Frank” or some such; something that may have some message inside that’s relevant to my writing. So I opened it.
I’m instantly bombarded with seizure-inducing promises of enlarging my manhood, offers for Cialis, Viagra, Prozac or Meridia, and a down-on-his-luck Nigerian president who needs me to help him launder half a billion dollars in cold hard cash.
Now… help me out here. What’s the thinking here? Am I supposed to open that letter and have a good chuckle over the whole thing? Should I be sitting there, wagging my finger at them with a wink and a smile saying, “Okay, okay. Haha! You got me! That was a good one, boy! Just for that, I’m going to go ahead and order your product.”
That’s just stupid. They’ve started our relationship with deception! Lies! (Not unlike my ex-girlfriend.) What in the world makes them think that after such trickery I’m likely to hand over my credit card information? Jerks.
So, I’ve decided that one of my goals in learning Chinese is to fire back a reply in pure Mandarin that will give me some small satisfaction. Here’s the letter I hope to someday write:
Dear Internet Savior,
Thank you so much for your timely arrival! I was about to end my miserable life when I came across your ad for a low-cost, lifetime supply of panda piss. Oh, lucky day! Can I get that by the truckload? How shall I ever repay you for the eternal stench of a large mammal’s vented bladder?
I am sending you my eyebrows in partial payment. Please let me know how I may deliver my grandmother’s nylons to your office. My Uncle Stefan also sends his regards.
Thank you again for your timely intervention. Were it not for you, I would have listened to the Bay City Rollers until a substance resembling guacamole leaked from my ears. You are a turnip.
Scrambled eggs and overdue library books,
Chang Zimbabwe
Former Nigerian president and internet marketing guru
Ahh… it’s the little things in life. And I think it’s important for a person to have goals. Imagine how happy I’ll be the day I learn how to say “panda piss.” I’ll have the joy of knowing that I’m one step closer to realizing my dream of vengeance!
Turnips, people. It’s all about the turnips.
Technorati Tags: chinesepod
熊猫尿 (xióngmāo niào) panda piss
海湾摇滚客合唱团 (Hǎiwān yáogǔn kè héchàngtuán) Bay City Rollers
That alone might scare them.
Ah, yes! Piece by piece, it shall be mine! Mwa-ha-ha!!! Thank you gentlemen!
And Mike, that scared ME!
If you want to put your spam to good use, send it all to knujon. They eat spam for breakfast.
The address to send to is yourjunk@knujon.com, that mailbox is quite often full though, so it’s better register and they give you another address to send to.
www.knujon.com
The Mighty Bazza!!!! BAAAAZZZAAAAAA!!!!
That site looks awesome, man. Thanks for passing that along. How long have you been using it? Does it work for you?
Happy New Year!
Chang? Is that really you? It’s Cheng here. Uncle Stefan says hi. He wants his Bay City Rollers tape back.
Cheng Zimbabwe
*GASP!*
Cheng?! Is it really you? Oh, how fortunate! I had never thought to see my long-lost twin brother again after we’d been shipwrecked together on that deserted island and you got captured by that band of pygmy cannibals! Oh, I thought I saw you once in a jeans commercial with Brooke Shields, but I figured that was just my imagination playing tricks on me!
A pox on Uncle Stefan for not mentioning that you weren’t dead!
(That tape is mine and I’m keeping it!)
Quite a while, according to my report 10 sites that I’ve reported have been shutdown, although they’ve probably been reported by others as well.
Have you noticed a significant decline in the amount of spam hitting your inbox? Enquiring minds want to know.
Well probably not significant so far, but a bit less I think. To quote Tesco “Every little helps”. Just filtering spam doesn’t solve the problem, it still bungs up all the mail servers.
Spammers have be stopped and erased from existence. It’s time to take back our internet.
“Every little helps” Is this really their slogan?! What does it mean? Is there some clever reason for leaving out bit that I just don’t get (like you ’saved’ the ‘bit’…?)
Oh I really hope I am not having an ex-blond moment here. Speaking of which, since I became brunette, I honestly find that people treat you a bit smarter, strange eh….
You think that’s funny? Try losing your hair altogether and watch how people treat you differently. I suddenly became about as sexy as Dennis Franz.